Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Oh Death

Lately the issue of death has been poking its head into my conversations with my three year old twins and I'm not sure how to handle it. Last week our nanny's mother died, and I told the children they needed to be extra nice to her and give her a big hug. Then I let it slip that her mother had died. They immediately picked up on that word, and started using it in their games, saying things like "I'm gonna crush this truck and then it will died!" They have no idea what it means and they know it's a strong word. I regret having said that, and I let it pass and they seemed to forget it. i know they are too young to understand it.
Then a week later, I was reading the kids the story of Madeline, in which the little girl gets her appendix removed, is rushed to the hospital, and makes all the other girls jealous because of her scar. The twins asked me what a scar is, so I showed them a scar on my hand that I got when I was playing around a table where my mother was ironing. I had tripped on the cord and the iron fell on my hand, burning it and leaving a scar. The kids were awestruck and asked me a million questions about the scar, ironing, what my mother was doing, what I was doing, etc. Then out of the blue, Jules asked me "Where is your mommy?" I just said "She's not here" and changed the subject. I put the kids to bed, and I just wanted to cry the whole time, I felt my mother's missing presence so strongly it was an ache in my chest. I wish so badly that she could know these beautiful kids and they could know her. But I just hid my pain and acted upbeat till I could put them to sleep. The kids are not there to comfort me from the pain and loss that I felt as a child and still feel. I'm there to be strong for them and shield them from things like death and sadness for as long as possible. But it's not always easy.